Port

Haley’s Note: This is part two of a what I like to call a blog mini-series. If you haven’t already give part one a read!

Being an adult is not easy.  I don’t really like it, but I don’t know what else to do and it’s easier to act like an adult than to ignore tasks or “problems.” I don’t know what to do.  I focus my attention on things that “need to be done.”  This is one of the corners of my mind that I tend to live in, “What’s next?”  What’s my order of operations here?  I make lists, mostly in my head. These lists get lost.  So I write them down, text them to myself.  The list is always different but in some ways it’s always the same.

You don’t really need to read this, but just to give you an idea it looks a lot like this:

Car (my truck needs new tires and there’s a squeaking coming from the front left wheel)

Boiler (my boiler has a slow leak)

Order wood. (This should cut down my heating/oil bill… Do i need to have the stove cleaned?)

Fix car insurance/cheaper rate?

The list goes on like this, about 7 – 10 tasks and it is constantly being “updated.”

Then I clean/work and think about this stuff:

God I hate dishes, why am I always doing dishes? Can we throw them out?

Whats the opposite of a hoarder?

Laundry / dishes/ yard stuff / Christmas lights/Work

How much is this going to cost? How are we going to pay for that?

My bank account is going in the wrong direction.

Do we just…. you know…. run out of money?

Go into debt?

It’s only been 6 months in the new house. Are we going to have to,  in the end, sell because we just can’t afford it?

I feel like I’m carrying this burden by myself.

What can i do?

How do I properly allocate my time an energy to make sure we don’t fail?

Am i going to fail no matter how hard I try?

Should I give up…. what would that look like… I have to try…. keep going. I/we got this.

The “Rational” part of my brain is saying “you are failing” and it feels like a slow fail.  It’s not like going off a jump and landing on your face (that would be less painful) it feels more like going out at sea on a leaking boat. Are we bailing buckets in futility? Welcome to a shitty corner of my mind.

I don’t stay very long but I visit it quite often. I hate this place but it seems essential to my survival. The feeling of despair coupled with fear manifests itself as anger.  (Sorry Haley)

I also have moments of pride. Sometimes I brag about myself, to myself in my head. This shit is hilarious. I’m thinking about what I’m about to write and its just feels weird to write, please don’t judge me . I apologize in advance.

I’m the man. I got this. I’m the luckiest man, ever. Defying the odds. Look at me! Mister Magoo! I have a beautiful/loving/caring/fun/understanding(sometimes) girlfriend.  L who is just the best/smartest/funniest/happiest/good sleeping daughter a father could ask for. Watching her grow is amazing.  I just bought this awesome house and it’s mine. It looks great and I love working on it. I just got my first paycheck from Tesla energy.  We are all healthy. The sky is the limit.  The possibilities are endless. The future is wide open. Life is great.

Spin Spin spin… around round round.